It's Christmas again and the year is already ending. It passed by so quickly, so quickly I barely felt it. Maybe it was because, right in the middle of everything and into my numbness, you showed up... again. But in a completely different way and I just don't know what happened and I've never believed in those stories about love at first sight and well, I still don't buy them yet. Even though I felt as if the ground was swallowing me whole and everything around me was spinning into a black hole leaving only the two of us, standing there as if nothing ever happened before and we were two completely unknown kids, but with all that old everything as a back up. No, I still won't buy it.
I never admit it maybe 'cause I never noticed it, but I think I love you since the very first day when you were coiled up in the corner of the mall, eating your french fries while I just stood there thinking how long it would take me to beg for another cigarette. I loved you there. You looked at me and I felt that fuzzy inside, the one I've been trying to run away from since my very first love. Or crush, we just never know, right? But I don't know... maybe I just numbed it inside because I knew it wouldn't've worked out fine or maybe the time just wasn't right but I ended up burying it and crossing the dancefloor with so many other dancers and now... I can't follow the beat if it's not with you.
God, it is pathetic indeed. I mean, I really feel pathetic. For both feeling it and trying to run from it. But it's just that I can't trust people in this matter, not anymore. I can't take the hurt and you, if you have all this of me with only a glance, God only knows what I'd have left once you decide to walk away.
And that's because of all this apathy I play outside... I'm losing the only thing I asked for this Christmas. I lost it already, actually. God, I really feel like I went too far and I hurt you like I never really meant to. And now you're gone, now you'll run into that cage we all carry along with our hearts and lock yourself there and hide yourself from me and God, I don't want it. No, really. I couldn't take it. I just wanted you and the pain I build by myself because of all those past frustrations and the fears they bring along, well... I just wanted it all to go away. So I hit and hard, over and over. I don't know why though, if deep inside I know I'll never be able to walk away from you.
But it's Christmas, it's a time of love so let there be love. That's what I've been repeating to myself ever since: let there be love, jerk. You know that's all you need. But no, I'll take my steps back and I'll even try to nail back. 'Cause I'm not one you should trust. I get scared. I'm not good enough. I'm a little fucking annoying brat who spoiled herself in order to hide from all the shit she's seen. So yeah, I'm a spoiled brat and I can't face things like this. But I've came to that point where... well, I can't want to live without you.
But it's another year ending and people say it's a time for change and I wanna change. I wanna take you in, let you go for a ride around my world, I wanna let there be love. But at the same time I think I believe I should change back to who I was, strong and unreachable, and leave you alone.
I just want this year to end, really. But I want to be there with you. I want to see the next one coming to life with you by my side. I want to show you I care. I want to let you know I can be a better person if given the chance.
But I don't know. It's like waiting for Santa. Miracles don't happen in real life and this shit I'm stucked in ain't a fucking Hollywood blockbuster. I just wish you were here with me.
And by the way, I'll be wearing your bracelet, I will. And this little necklace I made with the pendant I stole from the gift I bought you. Maybe I'll feel closer. Less alone. Less me.
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